Why oh Why?

This sucks! I ordered the sperm last Thursday and scheduled for it to be shipped out today so that it will arrive Tuesday morning. Well, I surged last night (Sunday) and was already stressing a little about timing. We decided that when we received the sperm on Tuesday it would be 36 hours since I detected the surge and that everything would be perfect. I must say that I really thought that I was going to be surging on Wednesday and ovulating on Thursday so I was really surprised when I saw that smiley face last night! But, I said to myself, Self everything is working out perfectly. Now we don’t have to worry about doing this while we are out of town and we can relax over Thanksgiving. Well, I noticed that I had not received the shipment conformation so I decided to call them. I messed up… BAD! I scheduled the sperm to be shipped out next Monday! It was too late in the day to change it and Wednesday morning will be way too late. I am having a real hard time with this. I really wanted to be pregnant by our original due date. I know that it will not make all the pain go away. But, I sure do think it will help. Now we know that I will not be pregnant by our original due date (December 19^th). I am honestly a mess, it just sucks. 

Not Yet

Well, I got my period yesterday. We will try again next month. We know it will happen soon. We are trying to be patient! But it’s hard! 

Testing Early

Is a bad idea! Let me tell you about our morning. We talked about testing this morning. I wanted to but was afraid at the same time. I think Tina felt the same way. Well I tested and that stupid little stick read “Not Pregnant”. I was not too mad at first. I know its a few days early. I still had hope. Then I decided to take the dogs out. When I let them out of their cages Mitzy ran into the bedroom, she likes to say hi to Tina so I was not that concerned about it. She was in there longer than normal so I went to check on her. She had pooped! I was a little upset about that, but I cleaned it up real quick and headed to the front door to take them out. Once I got there I noticed that she was pooping again! That was the kicker. I lost it! I love Mitzy, but I am tired of cleaning up after her! We might have to send her to obedience/potty training!

                After dealing with my emotional outburst I had to go to work. We had planned on running 4 miles this morning. We started running and I was so mad that I was running much faster then I usually do. I started getting tired around the 2 mile mark so I slowed down to my normal pace. Running has been a great stress reliever for me. I enjoy it, I look forward to it, and it has allowed me to lose weight. My only issue with it is that my legs are constantly hurting! I was hoping that the pain would get better with time, but I have been running for a few months now and it is pretty much constant. I hope it gets better soon.

                I will post on Friday to let everyone know what the little stick says! 

Coming out

                Yesterday was a crazy day!  I will start by reminding everyone that for the first 2 and a half years of our relationship Tina and I had to keep our relationship a secret at work. She was my boss for some of that time so it was hard, but we did it. After the Don’t ask, Don’t tell policy was lifted I have wanted to tell people at work and have been stressed about it. I just didn’t know how to do it. Well Tina and I talked about it this past week and she gave me some ideas and talked me though what exactly I was scared about. I felt better about telling people after that. Then, yesterday at work I wore my wedding band all day. One of my friends asked me if I got married during my vacation. I decided to just tell him and his wife the whole story. I did and they were excited for us and were more than accepting. It felt great and that helped me face the rest of the group.

                Everyone was very accepting and happy. Tina and I went to a hockey game with some people from work last night and we had a blast! I am so happy that I was able to tell everyone. Life is GREAT and I hope it will continue to get greater!  

I know I have been a terrible blogger lately but really nothing that exciting have been going on. We started doing at home inseminations again in August but no luck yet! We hope to find out some good news in about 11 days, we will be waiting patiently. NOT! It’s only been a few days and I am freaking already. I have already asked Tina is she thinks I’m pregnant. So everyone please have happy thoughts and pray for loads of baby dust.

We got a new puppy. This is Tina’s dog! We walked into the pet store and when they saw each other it’s like everything stopped! I knew we were going to be leaving with that dog. We walked into the store with my whole family. I guess there were about 12 of us. We were all holding and playing with dogs. Thankfully we walked in about 10 minutes before they closed. So we left that night without the dog. We told each other that we were going to pray about it. We woke up the next morning and we both said no! But, we went back and got the dog anyways. We love her. She is a Miniature Pinscher named Mitzy Bitzy. We now have 3 dogs, Fennie and Mitzy which are inside dogs and Fergie who is an outside dog. Overall she is fitting in well with our little family (But, she is still Tina’s dog).

Now that the don’t ask don’t tell policy has been repealed we will be using our names and will be posting pictures. We are both in the military so the repeal made us both very happy. I met Tina at work, she was my boss! We no longer work together, but miss each other terribly all day.

We just took a week long lazy vacation. The first few days we went to Wilmington to see Tina’s mother. We had a great time and even had a few surprises while fishing. A friend of mine at work told me that if I catch any puffer fish I should rub their belly to get it to puff up and then bounce them off the dock. I tried that, but it did not work. The fish just depuffed and stuck to the deck. I tried it a few times (with different fish and all fish lived). Then Tina caught a puffer fish and decided to throw it at a crow that was trying to steal our bait. The buffer fish almost hit the crow and then landed on his back in the water. I was mad because I thought the fish was dead, but then it depuffed and swam away. Tina was laughing like crazy. Then the next day while we were fishing on the beach Tina’s Mom told us to look, we looked towards her and there was a fox just sitting there! Tina grabbed the fishing knife and started walking towards it, but the fox walked away and just looked at us from the sand dune for a few minutes.

                                                               The Fox

Overall life here has been great. We are patiently waiting for the pregnant word to pop up again. We know it will happen!

Life

The last few months have been crazy. We inseminated, found out we were
pregnant, and then had a miscarriage. After we inseminated we truly thought
that we were not pregnant because we thought we did it too soon. But 14 days
later we saw the most exciting word ever "Pregnant". We
tested again the next day the same work popped up! It was amazing,
we were pregnant. We told our family and a few close friends, they were all
very excited for us. TLS cried when we found out, I was in shock. It took us
five tries and although I know that it takes much longer for some couples I
was beginning to get antsy; we were ready to start a family. I think after
that day we became so much closer and connected. We had created something
with love. 


Everything was going well; I was getting nauseous but never threw up. I was
tired but not terribly tired. We had gone to two doctor's appointments, one
to conform and one to do the family history and the blood work. Then we went
on vacation. We did what we love doing, camping! We went fishing, relaxed,
ate a lot, and just had a good time. Then on Wednesday May 11th I started
cramping and then I started spotting. We went to the emergency room and there
we found out that we were only measuring at 6 weeks along and the heart beat
was only around 80. I guess we both knew it was only a matter of time. That
Saturday I started bleeding and the doctor's appointment on Monday confirmed
what we already knew. We were 8 weeks and 3 days along when I started
spotting, we would have not changed anything and we know we will see our baby
in heaven one day. 
I think that we were both blaming ourselves after it happened. We were mad,
hurt, we just did not understand. I was and still am sometimes mad at my
body, I know it just happened and everything happens for a reason. But, I
just sometimes think that something's wrong with me. That I should have done
something different, I still get mad sometimes, but I know we will get
pregnant again. 
We are looking forward to trying again. We know now that we can get pregnant!
And we are excited! We are going to wait one cycle and then try after that.
We are now focusing on us! 
In other news I just graduated with my Bachelors degree. I am so excited and
I start my Masters in a few days. My degree is in Business Administration
with a concentration in Health Care Management. I never thought that I would
graduate, but TLS supported me every step of the way. She is amazing and by
far the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

Sad Stuff

We had a miscarriage a little more then a month ago. I am sorry it has taken me so long to post. Its just been a hard and sad time. We are slowly getting better and are looking forward to starting this process again soon. I will keep you all updated.

JAKS

Good Stuff

We are Pregnant! More to follow very soon. I promise I will start doing better!

Praying

So sorry for my lack of blogging! I have been a major slacker and will try to
do better in the future. So much has happened since I last blogged!
We went to DC and had sooo much fun! I love going on little get aways with my
TLS because we get just the right amount of fun and relaxation. We saw so
much history and it brought so much emotion to both of us. I would like to go
there again one day to see more! My only tip for people who are thinking
about going is, don't worry about going to the National Aquarium. 
Friday February the 25th was the day! It was suppose to be the 26th but after
some discussing of issues, some research, and tears we did it on Friday. We
are now in day 6th of this emotional roller costar and I hope it has a happy
ending. This TWW is nowhere near as bad as the last one! Thank goodness. I
also have some training Thursday-Sunday that will keep me busy and will get
me to day 10 of 14!  We will take the pregnancy test March 11th! I hope and pray
that it says "Pregnant". Please pray for us!

Sunrise

Day 2 of my period, blah. We had a few extremely emotional days but we are doing much better now and we are excited about this upcoming cycle. We will try again at home this cycle and I can’t wait. Trying at home is so intimate and perfect.

Other than that, a new term started on Sunday and I am trying to get all four projects that are due this week completed by tomorrow night. It might happen, but I am not sure yet. I do not want to have to worry about homework when we are in DC! This might be out last get away before becoming pregnant! We are both super excited about this trip and we just know that we are going to have loads of fun.

Work is going well; everyone is in a good mood this week because of Valentine’s Day. I guess everyone feels loved. One of my friends (you know who you are!) suggested that she should bring a flower in everyday for one of our grumpy coworkers! I think that is a great idea because this has been by far the best week for her ever. After tomorrow I will have five days off in a row and that makes me very happy.

JAKS

Try, Try Again

AWW! Bad news today! I took a pregnancy test today. It read “Not Pregnant”. I was emotional on an off all day. I cried a few times and my eyes are a little watery while I am typing this. I just have to remember that it will happen when it’s supposed to. I want this so bad for us! So, just keep praying for us. 

How Much Longer?

This wait is really terrible. I wish we could just know right away. It would be much better that way. There would be no second guessing yourself, no thinking that you are crazy, no day dreaming at the most inappropriate times, and you could just focus on next time. Instead I am doing all those things and wondering about next month. I know this is life, but I choose not to like it.

 So I have finished a book on my Kindle. It was great. I love that thing and it allows me to take my mind off things. I am pretty sure TLS has used hers for about 45 minutes so far. She does keep it changed by the bed in case she decides to have a Kindle marathon. As you all know we bought a Pop up Camper! So exciting, it is too cold to go camping right now, but we will soon. Now we don't have to worry about putting a tent up. The guy we bought it from gave us a lesson on how to take it down. He was a real sweet older gentleman and I thought for a second that he was going to cry when he was saying good bye to it. I hope Tina and I have as much fun using that thing as they did.  

 A few more days left! I am going crazy, but I know everything will be
ok. 

JAKS

Can we go camping?

So, if you only knew how long this wait really was.  It’s not just 2 weeks for me; it has been, oh……about 20 years.  That’s right, so I don’t get too impatient about 2 weeks when it has really been a lifetime.  You see, first I had to REALLY know what love is, and because of you, I do.  And while we so anxiously await this hopeful blessing, I’m so very thankful for all that I have now!

Okay, enough of this mushy stuff, can we go camping now?  Since we sold the boat (no time to be on the water, at least not like we want to for the boat that we had), JAKS let me buy a “starter” camper tonight.  I was feeling guilty about it at first.  You know, we are trying to have a baby.  Need to save money, plenty of stuff to fix around the house, etc.  HOWEVER, one of the best things about my JBear is that she reminds me that I have to take a moment to BREATHE!  LIVE!  ENJOY!  Now, this shouldn’t mean that we have to spend huge amounts of money to do so, but we have such a great time tent camping, how could we go wrong?!  

In any case, come on 2/14 with good news (yes, I am a little ADHD J), come on Spring, come on Honey ;)

-TLS

Our Kind of LOVE

Day 4! Oh my time is just flying by! I wish! So here I am at work again, just wondering if something special is going on inside of my body! I hope so, I oh so hope so. 10 more days to go and I am really looking forward to our trip to DC during President’s day weekend.  I am sure we will have fun! We booked our hotel last night and we will be able to see the Capital Building from it! I am so super excited. I have never been there and I ready to soak in all the sites, history, and fun! In English class I used to get in trouble for using so many explanation points! But I love using them, so now I can use them here! By the way I Love my Kindle, its perfect! Much easier then carrying a book around. TLS has not used hers yet. But I do have high hopes that she will. She better. 
So today my mind is telling me to calm down, we will find out in 10 days. My heart is jumping around full of excitement! I have high hopes that everything will be perfect! 
JKS

All I Want to Do

It’s day 3 of my TWW and I hate it. TS tells me that I need to stop thinking about it. How am I supposed to do that? I know she thinks about it as much as I do! She just does not talk about it as much as I do. I think about it at work, when I am driving, when I go to the restroom, when I am doing my home work, in the shower, I guess nothing really takes my mind off it. My last TWW was not this bad, so I am hoping that this craziness means that on the 14^th we will have the biggest smiles on our faces and our heart will be floating!

I daydream about everything! And I mean everything. I think about how the baby seat will look in my highlander, I open the spare bedroom and imagine baby stuff everywhere; I just see all the many positives and can’t wait to make our dreams come true. I know it will get much worse after a positive pregnancy test and will probably have to scream at myself to get things accomplished. But I guess that’s the fun part! Please let these next 11 days fly by!

Last night when I got home I made TS kiss my belly; I actually have her do it at least 3 times a day! Then that’s all I could think about, so we went and got each other our Valentines gifts (and a new kitchen sink)! We each got a Kindle! We are not very good at having patience and often give each other ours gifts days if not weeks before the actual holiday or anniversary. We always tell each other that we are going to do better, but I think we are actually getting worse! I love it though!

JKS

You Make Me SMILE!

     Last night was the night! This would be our 3^rd time trying. February 14^th better bring us lots and lots of smiles! We will wait patiently and see! NOT! So, as I am sitting here at work I will write how I am feeling about this whole trying to conceive excitement.

                First off I am so very ready to start a family with my TS! Who wouldn’t be, she is loving, caring, and just plain perfect for me. She holds me at night, smiles when we wake up in the morning, kisses me when I want one, makes me smile, make my heart jump whenever I see her or whenever she touches me, and she supports me in everything I do. She lets me be me! I know she is going to be the best Mom in the world to our children. We have been married for 18 months now and I know that this is the right time for us to start a family. These past 4 months have been crazy; TTC is fun, scary, exciting, emotional, and just plan crazy. My heart shatters for a few moments after I pee on that stick and see something I don’t want to see. It slowly goes back together as we get ready to try again, but I often wonder how many times I will have to go through this. I know a lot of ladies that have tried for much longer then I have, and I look up to them. I just don’t know if my heart can handle much more. So many questions go through my head, did we do it wrong, did I calculate my ovulation properly, and can I even have children and so on. I know TS goes through the same stuff and I want nothing more to give her a son or a daughter or both!

                So I will try and explain what my heart and mind are doing for the next two weeks. Today I am smiling a lot, day dreaming too much, and wondering is this OUR month! 

JKS